THE BEST COACHES MAKE US FEEL UNSURE OF OURSELVES
In the moment we do not have all the answers, when our excuses feel hollow, and when we aren't sure of what to do next, we are most open to seeing new possibilities.
The best coaches make us stop and think about our thoughts, and then their questions break through our walls of resistance, revealing our blind spots and fears. For a moment, the uncertainty feels awkward. And then, when we realize our own thinking has stifled our growth, we might feel embarrassed, angry, or sad. But then, we might laugh at ourselves...after we gasp. This is good coaching! Watch this video to see how it works:
IT IS IN THIS MOMENT OF UNCERTAINTY THAT RADICAL GROWTH CAN OCCUR!
This is what differentiates coaching from problem solving. In problem solving, you build on what a person knows. In coaching, you are helping the person reinterpret what he or she knows to reach a new or nonobvious conclusion.
So how do you know what to ask to break down the brain's protective walls?
The powerful questions that change people's mind emerge when you listen to your intuition. You ask about what you sense-what fears, disappointment, needs, or desires do they convey to you without words. When you ask about what you sense they are feeling or what is triggering their feelings, they stop, and question themselves.
Using your intuition means listening with your entire nervous system, including your heat and gut as well as your brain. Most of us don't commonly do this because we listen with our chatty, judgmental, censuring head brain which drowns out what is going on in the rest of your nervous system. All of these together, the head, heart and gut make up your Integrated Mind.
All three of your brains are magnificently complex organisms. Intuition is not from outer space; it's from inner space. When you learn how to read the signals sent from your head, heart and gut, you access the critical data you need to fully comprehend what is going on in the complex human you are conversing with.
From your head, you hear what they believe that is at the basis of the story they are telling you.
From your heart, you hear what they desire, what they are angry or disappointed about not getting, or why they feel betrayed.
From your gut, you can hear what they are really afraid of, including what they are attached to and can't let go of.
To integrate your mind and activate your full sensory capabilities, you need to feel grounded in the present moment and visualize opening all the centers in your neural network where you receive input. Use curiosity to open your mind. Then feel compassion, care, and a genuine desire for the person to feel happy or successful to open your heat. Then say the word courage to yourself and breathe it deeply into your belly to open your gut. Do this before you coach to open and align all three centers.
Depending on your personality, you will find it easier to access either your heart or gut over the other. People who tend to be helpers listen more easily from their heart than their gut. On the other hand, risk-takers find it easier to listen from their gut than from their heart. I am a born risk-taker. I have to consciously open my heart when I coach, teach, or argue with my partner. This makes me feel a bit vulnerable, but it's effective.
Listening with an Integrated Mind takes conscious and consistent practice. If you intentionally practice listening from your various centers every day, you will more naturally access the signals from your heart and gut.
Listening with your Integrated Mind is the most powerful way to help people realize their potential. The courageous words you speak from your head, heart, and gut will confuse, embarrass or make people angry. And then they grow.
Adapted from The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthroughs by Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC, senior coach and trainer with TNM.